Learning To Love Yourself
They say that being single is not a curse. However, in today’s society, a single lady who is above 35 is not envied. The more successful she is, the more she is under pressure to get married. In fact, society believes that no matter how much success one records in life, a woman is incomplete without a husband. Surprisingly, in many circles now, a ‘successful’ man isn’t considered complete without a wife either.
This is where the pressure to rush into marriage stems from. This is also the reason many people now get married for the wrong reasons. Ladies are counting their biological clock; men are trying to maintain a certain façade in the society. Little wonder why many modern-day marriages are in crisis.
Many people are of the opinion that a single lady cannot truly be happy. It seems like there is a void only a man can fill. For this reason, many ladies damn the consequences and settle for second-best in marriage.
Singleness can be a lonely state, but the truth is that for some people, especially women, the time is not right till later.
This is why it is very important to love yourself; like Bishop TD Jakes would say ‘fall in love with yourself’. The saying that you can’t give what you don’t have is not for nothing. A woman that doesn’t love herself can never really enjoy singlehood and cannot appreciate a healthy relationship. It is a healthy mind that can celebrate itself.
When single people find themselves in settings where they seem like the only single ones, they begin to question their worth. These thoughts often lead to withdrawal, inferiority complex, defensiveness and in some cases, careless behaviours such as multiple sexual partners, inability to stay in one relationship and addictions e.g. porn.
However, these are the quiet moments when one learns to enjoy one’s own company. Think about it logically – the more time you spend with something or someone, the closer you feel to that thing or person and ultimately, start to appreciate it.
It is the same thing with the self. The more time you spend alone, the more you discover yourself and understand yourself.
Moreover, people need to be alone with themselves to enable them heal from the wounds life has inflicted on them – broken hearts, verbal and emotional abuse, gender inequality, societal abuses – those wounds that only time and the individual can heal.
The extent to which you love other people is determined by how much love you have for yourself.
Love is a feeling of deep care and appreciation for oneself. It is the feeling of contentment of one’s life as a human being. When you love yourself, you have great value for yourself. Value means treating yourself with respect. Having value for yourself includes dressing decently, carrying yourself with dignity and elegance, talking and acting properly. Women should be feminine. Psychologists say that it is an antisocial behaviour for ladies to behave like men and vice-versa.
Nevertheless, falling in love with yourself is more than just dressing well and spending a fortune on your outward appearance. Falling in love with yourself means loving the fact that you are a masterpiece of God. It is appreciating that there is and indeed can only be one you ever in this world. It is living in the consciousness that as a woman, you are the ‘weaker vessel’ hence should be handled with tender, loving care (meaning no form of abuse – physical, mental, psychological or otherwise). It means using your talents and gifts – flaunting it if need be, but not apologising for it! It is knowing that although it is not good for a wo(man) to be alone, you are no less a wonderful person just because you are single.
In my interactions with many single mothers, I see that their immediate remedy is seeking marriage. Even family, friends and the society encourage them to find someone to get married to. No! In fact, most times, I advise them to stay away from romantic relationships for a while and focus on themselves and their children.
Depending on how woman becomes a single mother, a time of her life literally stops. It might be the time she ‘loses’ during the pregnancy, maternity leave, mourning period (if she’s a widow), legal battles (in the case of divorce) and so on. Now, this time of singlehood is the time to invest in yourself. Upgrade yourself academically and career wise. Learn a new skill if need be. Take another course if you so desire. Just ensure one of the first things you do is to make yourself a better person that before. Then, you can begin to seek romance.
So, indulge yourself, treat yourself to a good time as often as you can and fall in love with yourself all over again. It is only then that you can truly be open to the external love you seek and desire.
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