The Petrol Attendant And His Nozzle, By Funke Egbemode

 
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This piece was inspired by a story told by the old man of an honourable member while I served briefly at the National Assembly. His choices of words were really what got me thinking. I must confess I was eavesdropping but, trust me, I got the intimate lessons in the intimate gist.

According to Honourable Gbenga (I am not saying more than that), a man, whatever the age, is like a petrol attendant holding a nozzle. He dispenses fuel to all and any car that comes to his pump. He is there, ever ready, like Eveready battery. His tank is always full and his nozzle always in a giving mode. He is simply at your service 24/7 nationwide, sometimes worldwide. Yeah, his workplace is called a service station.

So, if this ‘petrol attendant’ fills a particular tank of a car, what happens to the petrol is the car’s headache. This attendant has an underground tank that is inexhaustible and will continue to be on duty, irrespective of what his last ‘service’ is doing to the last recipient. Are you getting confused? Do not be. Will break it all down later. Now, if the petrol attendant dispenses any impurity into the car, any and all wise cars must know how to protect their engines. That is why all cars must use Grade A fuel filter. However, in case of accidental discharge of impurities, all cars must have fuel treatment on board. When you have both in place, you’ve got comprehensive insurance.

Only those who do not value their engines take third party policies. Every smart operator knows that the recommended insurance package is the comprehensive one. What if you have third-party insurance? It is risky. Not advisable. But it is not the end of the world. Impurities, such as water sometimes find their way into fuel tanks once in a while. The smart thing is to get rid of it quick. No slow motion. Park and fix it immediately. What are you holding family meetings over? It is your car, your tank. You cannot afford any illegal occupant or adulterated fuel. Yeah, men dispense adulterated fuel and don’t we know what havoc adulterated fuel cause! But some cars have in-built gadgets that detect impurities. Such cars backfire immediately they sense evil drops in their tanks.

Don’t be fooled by your husband’s hung boots assurances. Don’t be taken in by your boyfriend’s ‘don’t you trust me’ talk. A man will say anything under pressure.

Now the explanation.

This principle of the petrol attendant and his nozzle perfectly describes men and their operations. It is a foregone conclusion that there is no killing the beetle when it comes to the hours of duty of the petrol attendant. Men’s retirement age varies and while there is still breath in a man, he will fill the tank of any car. Sometimes the car is so young and fragile you wonder if the nozzle will not break the chassis. Sometimes the car is so old you wonder if it has a tank that can take the nozzle. But the nozzle is always on duty and the beat must go on. That is why a 50-year-old can marry or date a 16-year-old. And because the nozzle draws from an inexhaustible underground tank, it is predisposed to different degrees of trouble. Sometimes when a man has filled a tank and moved-on to other cars, the tank comes back, pregnant, and asking for benefits of her new status. That pendulum can swing any way but it will not stop the nozzle from doing more refills. In fact, it would insist on topping the already full tank that is making trouble.

Now to the backfiring car, a woman’s insurance policy against a rampaging hot nozzle has to be a comprehensive one and since she owns the tank as well as the production line, she must keep a close watch on the kind of petrol she gets. Since men have learnt to shoot without missing, women must learn to fly without perching. At the risk of sounding like a broken-down engine, sorry, record, all girls, old and young must take care of their engines and production lines. Yes, when you get pregnant is your decision. And if you don’t insist on protection, who can you blame if you end up with adulterated fuel?

That last part reminds me of a friend’s experience and how we members of the Girls Club reacted to her predicament. Bimbo was looking ‘one-kin’. She was sniffling, had pimples and dozed off like every 30 minutes. I asked if she was sure she had not swallowed ‘adulterated something’ the wrong way. She burst into tears. Geez, Bimbo pregnant? How did she allow that to happen? Her husband was fond of telling anybody who cared to listen that he had hung his boots. I did not believe his ‘okoro’ lines though. With three daughters, you cannot trust an Igbo man giving you a retirement line. Bimbo must have fallen for his line and let down her guard. Okoro boy just pulled out the nozzle and filled her tank to over flowing.  Dumb, dumb, dumb.

Every smart girl, especially every wife, must know how to cover her flanks, take care of herself. Buy yourself a comprehensive insurance girl, and pay the premium yourself. It is your life, your tank. Don’t be fooled by your husband’s hung boots assurances. Don’t be taken in by your boyfriend’s ‘don’t you trust me’ talk. A man will say anything under pressure.

But what you do with your tank and whatever is deposited there is your responsibility. Do not let any nozzle cramp your style or reduce your value on the Intimate Stock Exchange.

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